Wednesday, March 16, 2005

No need to thank me.

Being a teacher has provided me with a wealth of experience from the hindsight of an old person. How old I will leave that up to the judges of the Miss America Pageant for now I am happy being 25 over and over again until someone tells me to grow up. While looking at the teenage boys I teach I realize how fads come and go so quickly and I try to relate it to my students. They don’t understand that I am a product of the 80’s. Meaning I went to high school in the 80’s and sometimes I dream that if I had a time machine I would go back to 1982. Dooodoo, Dooooodoooo. Dooooodoooo.

There I am wearing Jams like they were the hottest thing on the market. I didn’t care they came in only two colors hot pink or hawaiian pink. I still wear them when I mow the lawn today. On a hot day I pull out my half shirts. You remember those, they would cover right up to your mid section. They use them abundantly in movies to emphasize the portrait of a southern man who doesn’t have a job and lives on a below average income and follows stock car racing. I looked like a body-builder even though I had the physique of Screech and Corey Haim (before he hit puberty). When I would go out I would put on my Panama Jack t-shirt, they were usually stacked right next to the Spuds Mckenzie bud shirts. Nothing better than a dog with a black eye surfing reassuring the Bud is the best beer. Somewhere buried underneath are my Hard Rock Café shirts from all over the world. Whenever a friend of mine would go on a trip, I would give him money to buy me a shirt from the local Hard Rock to add to my ridiculous collection. Most of all I hated to wear my Members Only jacket when I was wearing an Izod shirt because I didn’t want to hide the alligator logo.

15 minutes… That’s the time I spent on cuffing my pants or jeans at the bottom so tight that I think blood stopped circulating to my feet within seconds. I especially did this with my Z-Cavaricci’s or stoned washed jeans. Then, I would put on my fresh new pair of Tretorns that I had just replaced the ugly Roos with the pocket on the side with.

30 minutes… The amount of time I spent moussing my hair with Vidal Sassoon. Then I would rearrange it about a dozen times before leaving the house with what I will only refer to as “the Wall”. This was the front portion of my hair would be moussed up like a wave about to tumble over except it has harden to the point of breaking objects. I would then douse myself in Polo (original green bottle) or Drakar. If it was early teens, then I could be seen with a small gold rope chain. If it was my late teens a leather necklace with a sharks tooth. I sometimes wore silk shirts that were three times the size I should have been wearing. Must have been the Miami Vice reruns.

Most of all, I would listen to the radio and tape songs over other cassettes by placing masking tape over the top. I never forgive myself for taping over my Debbie Gibson, Out of the Blue, cassette. I knew the secret code to getting more lives on Super Mario Brothers. I was excellent at Spy Hunter, I could get to the point where I got my speed boat and that was when the real fun began. That’s when I would crank up the Phil Collins soundtrack. I used to rock at TecmoBowl, the orginal that had players that no one ever knew. When Super TecmoBowl came along, all I can say is I could win with even the Indianapolis Colts. I knew the secret to getting over a 100 sacks in a season. Only one team had a quarterback fast enough to escape my nose tackle, damn you Randall Cunningham. Saturday Night Live was at it’s best with the Church Lady. There were many nights I wish I knew karate better than Danny LaRusso. “Strike first, Strike hard. Cobra Kai shows no mercy.” Not too mention I really believed I would be drafted in the first round for my Nerf Football skills. By the way, was I the only one who wore socks up to my knees or was I just ahead of my time. No one had a better time of making a fool out of themselves than me during the 80’s. I guess it happens in to all us at different times.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

For now this will have to do.

The top ten list is on hold for a few more days….. I know no one out there really cares, but if you do read on here’s to a mid-life crisis at the age of 28. When I started making the top ten list , I was outside mowing my lawn, which takes every ounce of energy within my body to complete. In order to understand the magnitude of hate that I have for my lawn I must first tell you about it. The lawn must have been constructed by Zeus or some other mythogical god to test Perseus in battle of wills. Sort of like how Harry Hamlin, Perseus, was tested in the “Clash of the Titans” by Medussa. Well, this lawn is about half a block long and a quarter of block wide. It’s not the size of the damn lawn that gets me, it’s the fact that the land is not level. It’s like I’m trying to mow down Carrollton Avenue, they have potholes and other divots that make it incredibly difficult to mow. If I could sum up the lawn in one word, it would have to be; excruciating. I’d don’t even know if that could be magnified more because if it could I would add on the mostest excruciating thing.

So, I devised a plan for this summer. No way anyone is going to sucker me into mowing that dirty dog again for pleasant Napalm like summer here in New Orleans. My plan is to start working the elementary schools. I will start posting ads around the school for easy work for easy cash this summer. Need money for latest Ashlee Simpson “Girl gone wild video”. Get rich quick, not by Matthew Lesko, but by mowing down your future opportunities. In order to better my chances I will hire the oldest and best looking girls at the school to promote my job as the best thing going down this summer. All the slip’n’ slide you want after you finish the lawn. Hopefully, I will get a few bites from the elementary kids because high school kids are too lazy to do anything and smart to realize this is going to require work. Next I will hit up the snowball stands, ice cream parlors, and even playground snack huts. Bound to endless young kids wanting to make a few bucks mowing a lawn. Once the first kid shows up I will pay him in installments. You mow this week you get half your check, come back next week and get the rest. Sort of like Mr. Miagi philosophy. Before you know I will have the kid washing my car and walking the dog for an extra 10. Word will start spreading and more kids will want part of the action. I will then offer my services to the lowest bidder. An all out bidding war will take place similar to one that took place in this fine city of mine over new parking meters. Except, I’m not stupid enough to pay to the highest bidder. I will have my own little sweatshop of lawn mowers coming in on a weekly basis. They will receive one 5 minute break, if they want cold water from inside it will cost them 2 dollars. Gotta make money back in concession prices. I don’t pay overtime. So they must finish the job in 3 hours. One holiday off for the summer, which will be July 4th. If they decide to take a week off, than they may not have a job waiting for them when they get back. Listen up Tommy boy, there is a young lad right down the street willing to take your spot if you miss one day. He’s just itching for the chance to hop right in and tear up some grass.
I gotta run. I got fliers to handout.