Monday, February 06, 2006

Who brought the jackass who likes to watch football?

Birthday number 30 down the drain. I can't complain. I was feeling a little old the other day or maybe it was just my obessive sports mind going wild. I didn't want to go to a SuperBowl party, but it was my birthday. So instead of sitting at home like a lump of crap we decided to go to the party.

Let me state the fact that I hate SuperBowl parties. If there was ever a place in time where every nonsensical person, who says they are a fan when they really are not, got together to talk incessitantly throughout the game it was this day. On the first play from scrimmage the Steelers jumped offsides. I screamed out loud, "Offsides!" To which a two young females standing next to me looked disgusting over with a dejected look of horror.

"Oh no, it looks like Seth invited some football nut to the game. He'll be jumping and screaming all night."

So I looked back at the girls with a nice smile and said, "Are you ready for some football?" I really wanted to paint my face and chest with a big gold and black thumb, but it could be considered overkill. I don't want everyone hating me. It is my birthday.

The next point of reference that was so blatantly obvious was when I made the Jimmy the Greek observation that the Steelers needed to run in between the tackles. The Seahawks were too small up front with one cutback it would be touchdown city for Pittsburgh. Sure enough, a couple plays later Steeler running back Willie Parker bust one inside the right tackle for the longest run for scrimmage in SuperBowl history. "Yeah bitches!!! How you like that call?" As I screamed at Mike Holmgrens face full of disappointment and despair. I was quite the spectacle as the girls proceeded to leave the room and take their inner circle to the kitchen were it would be much quiter.

The final reason it would be considered a disaster is the football novices that perpetuate every SuperBowl party. They make assinine comments about when did the Seahawks change the NFC, or why isn't Bubby Brister still quarterbacking the Steelers, or my favorite yet these guys are so tough they don't even wear long sleeves in Detroit (game was indoors).

I have an idea to make the SuperBowl better and more entertaining. Invite all the previous players from the two teams in the game to suit up at anytime for a chance to play in the biggest game of their career. Anyone is eligible regardless of age. So the SuperBowl could have had Steve Largent and Brian Bosworth, and the Steelers could have had Mean Joe Green and Franco Harris out on the field. Almost like an old-timers game, but you throw them in there with the young bucks. Let them get smacked around a little. Lay a couple of them out. You would start hearing about injuries you never thought existed. Terry Bradshaw threw out his hip while tossing the ball on the sidelines. It would be fun to watch again. It would also take back from all the part-time sports fans who can't wait for the half-time show while eating all the good artichoke dip so that we never get seconds. I'm not bitter. It was a great birthday.


At 8:48 AM, Blogger The Movie Guys said...

I know you're playing around, but I've seen Franco Harris walking up close (I saw him in Jan 02 when the SB was last here). That dude is not capable of playing in even a two-hand touch game with a local grammar school. I'm guessing he has to be in his 50's, but from the way he walks, you'd think he was in his 80's. For further FYI, I also saw Ken Stabler that day and he walked even worse than Franco. Most of those guys we saw Sunday will be barely able to walk when they reach middle-age.

At 11:41 PM, Blogger lucasjackson7 said...

dude, where are we both living? super bowl sunday was mild at best here in the southeast and i was irate.

it's football, for god's sake! it's the last serious football game we'll have for a while!

and yet, people acted like it was a baptism party.

where are we?

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