Monday, April 11, 2005

How can you tell someone is a Yankee fan?

Imagine always being right. Imagine having something always to fall back upon. Like 26 World Championships and largest payroll in baseball that could feed all the children in Africa, Asia and United States combined by UNICEF standards. Imagine walking around in your old Wade Boggs jersey wondering what player you signed from some other team that lost to the Yankees last year. How awful is that?

When thinking about it, I would rather have all of the side effect symptoms from taking Celebrex than be a damn Yankee fan. I asked a fellow teacher, who so happened to against God’s will and become a Yankee fan, if he was going to watch the Red Sox opener today when we collect our rings. He answered me profoundly, “ Call me when you when 24 more with that fat bastard David Wells pitching meatballs.”

Another Yankee delicious retort, as if they are smart enough to think of these things themselves. They are taught these comebacks at early ages by their stupid ass fathers and grandfathers. I pretty sure there is a textbook version for those illegitimate bastards who want to be Yankee fans but don’t have anyone smart enough to talk them out of it.
“Just remember when some Red Sox fan gives you a hard time just turn and say one of the following:
It must be hard living in 1918. How many times do I have to tell you the Red Sox suck, 26 times. What’s better watching Wade Boggs finally win a World Series or watching Ted Williams die before seeing one.”
When I think back to last year, and how sweet it was to win at Yankee stadium in that fashion. I just wish they would have dug up Babe Ruth’s body, plugged a cigar in his mouth and mounted his dead corpse in a Yankee uniform on a horse to ride around the infield. There’s your freaking curse. I can’t stand to lose to the Yankees. It’s like the end of the world twenty times over. It’s like watching Keanu Reaves act in Dangerous Liasons with a British accent. It's like being asked to host a tupperware party. I can’t describe the hurt.

Although, the joy outweighs the hurt especially after watching the Red Sox beat the most pathetic bunch of pansy ass’ losers to wear pinstripes. (Yankees) If you don’t believe me, check out Fem-Rod’s mickey mouse paws swatting away the glove of Bronson Arroyo as he made it to first base like a run way model with her dress showing too much in the ALCS last year. Or better year, Chuck Knoughblach’s phantom tag on Jose Offerman in 1999 ALCS that was so ridiculous I absolutely lost it for three days. I went on a binge of ny-quil and benadryll in order to create a memory lapse that should have lasted a week, but I pulled myself out early to call in to work another day for relapse purposes. So, when I think about it. There is a huge smile on my face tonight as the World Champion Red Sox collect their rings and the Yankees get crushed in the home opener for the Sox. Yankees lose. BBBBaaaaahhhhhh!!!! Yankees lose!!! God bless those idiots. Check out the site below if this wasn't enough.

http://www.yanks-suck.com/

2 Comments:

At 9:08 PM, Blogger lucasjackson7 said...

My dream is for someone to hit a line drive into Randy Johnson's tall chest and watch him bleed profusely on the mound. I would want that batter to walk, not run to first base and stare down the people who came to Randy Johnson's aid.

That and I would like to see A-Rod and Jeter collide in full speed while going after a dribbler in the grass. That would be cool also.

Hmmm, perhaps if we were able to catch Gary Sheffield doing drugs in the outfield with one of those high-powered cameras that would be cool to see.

Or better yet, how about showing a Yankee fan in the crowd sporting a Billy Martin jersey. Perhaps then we could make the point of life imitating art. Art being the wonder of how Billy Martin ever wore a Yankees jersey. Oh that's right, he's a drunken, wobbly, stumbling idiot. How could I forget?

Yes, that would be cool.

 
At 2:43 PM, Blogger bayou_boy504 said...

This is too damn funny. Can you pass me some paper towels? I just peed all over the rug. Hahaha.

I'd pay top dollar to see ol' Babe's stiff corpse riding around the infield.

 

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