Taking one for the team

So, I got sick. It seems irrelevant now that I have come down from my Robotussin high. Not too mention that I feel like Corey Feldman had taken over my body for the last two days and went nuts at the Viper Room. Still, I feel like a new man except for this lingering cough that can't be cured. By the way, how is it that you can have a runny nose and sore throat for a few days, but a cough lasts for weeks. It's like that kid when you were younger that you didn't want hanging around you all the time, because he aggravated you but you couldn't manage to tell it to his face. And every time you went to hang out with your friends this kid would magically appear. Your friends would give you this disgusting look and you would pretend he wasn't there anymore. More and more he keeps showing up and you just want him to go. Until after weeks and weeks of following you around he finds someone else to glom onto. Sorry, Cliffy.

I decided to heed the advice of my wife and visit a doctor this past week. This after I couldn't feel my forehead anymore because it was radiating more heat than the sun. If my head was still on top of my body it was news to me. It was there that it dawned on me how a great of life I have. I mean I looked around the doctor's office and I hate to say it but I was the only young person there. It sad to say this but I was the only one in the room radiating life to a certain degree. It's not say too much considering old people wake up every morning with some type of new ache or pain that makes them considering playing canasta or going to visit the doctor at 5:30am for an 11 am appointment.

My life was looking better, although I probably looked worse than most of them at the present moment. I had a 103-degree fever, a cough than burns like a venereal disease (not that I would know), and exhaustion from coughing. It wasn't long before the nurse called me over. She asked me to step onto a scale. I wasn't in the mood to play games with her like when I was a kid. Pick one foot up while she was writing something down and then place it back down. The weight keeps jumping back and forth. She quickly brought me into an examination room, where they had this fold out board with deli paper on top. I imagined that if I lay down on the board they would roll me up like a sandwhich and slice me down the middle. The room brought me back to my childhood experiences of going to the doctor and sitting on these examination tables/boards. It brought back all those horrible memories of the shots you get when you were a kid. I remember them telling me, it's only going to hurt for a bit. Yeah, stick a needle in your ass 4 times and tell me it won't be sore later on. I was having flashbacks like a soldier back from war. The fever was also making me delusional because at one point I thought I heard her say, "Wow, 103 degrees." But I do recall her telling me that I must feel real bad. No lady, this is how I normally feel all the time. I would have rather you took my temperature the old fashion way. She left and the doctor peered her head in.

The doctor and I had a brief run over my condition and medical history. I wonder what they would do if you answered yes to all their questions. Have you had any surgeries? Why yes, triple bypass, ingrown toenail, and a full frontal lobotomy. Any allergic reaction to drugs? Yes, any that has pain relief medication in them. She checked me over once with the stethoscope and then checked my ears and throat. Then she looked me dead in the face and said I needed rest. O.k. That's not going to cut for me, even though I was sick, I looked at her and said what I came here for was drugs. After much persuasion on my part, basically I told her I need some of the good stuff doc, or I would run up and down the halls of her office in nothing but a patient gown screaming, "look at what they did to me." She succumbed. The prescription was filled in a matter of minutes not too mention the rest I needed. Next time you hear someone say, "All you need is some rest." Just smile and say, "Thanks jackass for the diagnosis."