Could this really be true?

I know. I know. It's been a couple days since I last posted, and for all two of you that will read this let me explain why it's been awhile. First of all I tried writing after drinking a bottle of nyquil followed by a fifth of wild turkey. It's known to cure 4 unknown rare diseases in South American, but the side effect puts you in one hell of a coma. Not too mention a good mood. I think the cold is gone, but I may have somewhat of a lingering hangover. Ok here it goes.

Man bites dog.
Baby speaks 4 different languages.
80 year old woman swims Cuyahoga River.
Bullet disintegrates upon hitting rogue priest.

Which story sounds like it could be real? I would venture to say anyone able to swim that mess of a river in Cleveland would live to tell the story. It's the most contaminated river in the world. Worse than the river next to the Springfield nuclear power plant on the Simpsons.. Anything that can catch on fire can't be good to swim in. Baby speaks 4 languages, common on. I can barely speak one. Man bites dog. That's actually a true story especially in parts of West Virginia and Kentucky this seems to happen on a daily basis.

Still, the story that I was told to be the most authentic is: " bullet disintegrating upon hitting rogue priest." I know it sounds like it can't be real. Still, Richard Hatch went from being a Survivor to Al Capone in a little over a year. And as long as David Hasselhoff keeps selling records in Germany, I know there is hope for me to win the Ed McMahon Sweepstakes. By the way, my vote for worse actor trying to be a musician would fall to Eddie Murphy. The image from that one music video haunts me to this day. All I see is him dancing in some fake Sahara Desert scene in a black leather outfit singing "I want to... party all the time, party all time....Party all the time."

Back to my original thought. One of my students precedes to tell me about his weekend activities in which he went to a church lock-in. This is where they lock all the kids inside a gym where they have various activities scheduled for them such as a church service, storytelling, pillow fights, talent show, and probably plenty of thumbwrestling. At storytime one of the religious advisers tells the kids a story about a priest who was shot in the back while saying mass. The student prefaces the story with some historical text dating back before Vatican II. Which means the priests usually said mass with their backs to the congregation. Supposedly, someone stood up during the mass and proceeded to shoot the priest in the back. The priests unknowingly continues with the mass as if nothing happened, and then when he finishes the sermon he discovers a bullet hole in his robe. Now, this is were it gets real interesting. The priest was wearing a scapular, which is a tiny thread-like necklace usually adorned with a patron saint attached to it. Literally the thing could snap if you picked it up too fast. This necklace had an imprint of a bullet marking with dust all around it, and suprisingly the priest had no injuries.

What shocks me throughout this entire story is not the fact that the priests' scapular miraculously stopped this bullet, but that someone shot a priest in the back and that no one said or did anything. Let me try to come up with some reasons. Reason number 1. The priest must have been really, and I mean really bad at giving sermons. To the point that he was keeping people there way too long and they needed to fix this problem quickly. Reason number 2. What kind of neighborhood is this, that someone walks into a church fires a gun at a priest and they let him continue with the mass? Why don't they have metal detectors at the front doors? So, the congregation must be very religious people. They didn't want to disrupt the priest from the cerimony of the mass. Reason number 3. The priest wanted to show how powerful the scapular can be when put to the test. My next question is, why haven't we equipped all of our troops with these scapulars. We could definitely see the potential in saving a few lives. Plus, they can't cost but 10 cents to make, and by military standards that's like 5 bucks a pop. Reason number 4. It was another priest. He probably had been contemplating this for years and devised the plan to take over the head priest's job. In order to do it, he had to wait for the right time, just before the head priest turnes his back to the congregation. Yet, he didn't think the head priest would be wearing a scapular. Not too mention the odds of hitting it directly on the 2 by 3 inch card of the patron saint. Last reason, Reason 5. Prices of scapulars were way down. So, the Vatican tried to make up a story to drum up mid-seasonal sales. Only problem is, the story was only circulated in teenage church lock-ins where about 3/4 of the kids are busy text messaging each other from 3 feet away or discussing the latests ramifications of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston breaking up.
Remember nyquil lasts a lot longer than the prescribed 4-6 hours. So take small sips.