Thursday, January 13, 2005

The Constellations that Bind Us

Life is made of little impulses that change the outcome of events and who were are. Without these impulsive moments we would never be able to understand how much someone cares for you or how much we are willing to give in order to get what we want.

As leaves fall to the ground, the sun desperately splashes through the bare limbs creating shadows of a skeleton tree. Bright colors are painted throughout the skyline as the sun rests itself into its soft bed. There are few things that could be more perfect for Stan than the obvious. A crisp, cool wind ripped through his body and the chill made him shiver. Why is everything that seems so important so far away?

Alone in a tiny diner on the South side of town, Stan sat in silence. The waitress brought over a hot pot of coffee, but he waved her off before she came to close. His eyes were glazed over a slice of warm apple pie that begged for his attention. A tiny scoop of vanilla ice cream melted down the side of the pie making a lava-like landslide of white liquid on his plate. Stan looked out the window into the desolate street. It was barren; not a soul to be found anywhere just street lights illuminating circles on the road. A song was playing on the jukebox, slowly a smile crept across Stan’s face. “Goodnight Sweetheart”, by the Spaniels always brought back some good memories.

He remembers the last time he had heard that song. It was late into a Saturday night in Playa del Rey at a 50’s diner on Marina Coast Way. There he shared a moment with the girl who had his heart right now. They had just been out for a night on the town and decided to stop in to get something to eat. He had ordered the same thing he always got, slice of apple pie, and she ordered some coffee. They started to laugh out loud about something that had happened earlier in the evening. Then the song came on. As the song played on he began to sing to the beautiful girl across the table from him. She shyly smiled at the boyish charm Stan was showing to her at the present moment. It was as if he were serenading her, but only he did it in a unique way.

His eyes transfixed themselves back onto the apple pie in front of him, but his heart was not into eating it. He trudged himself out of the booth, grabbed his big brown winter coat and slipped outside into the night. It was late into the night, as one could see the red dawn bursting upon the horizon. Stan drove back to his apartment winding through the stretchy roads still thinking about that distant moment. It too was begging for his attention. His breath was the only thing he would met tonight as it hung about him in the wintry frost of early morning. The stars in the sky were still shining brightly above him. It was a beautiful thing to see so many stars lining the sky as if it were a backlit canopy with holes punched in it. He stood there staring up into the cold night sky for what seemed like an eternity. Cassiopeia, Orion, the Big Dipper and the little Dipper, the unbelievable constellations that greeted him every night but tonight meant more to him. Those very same stars that lie above his head on this early morning would be the same ones that lie above that special girl whom he thought of so much. He wanted to say something but the words mean nothing if there is no one to hear them. Things change, people change and yet those stars congregating the sky always remained the same. When he needed her, he pushed her away. That was something he regretted dearly. There was nothing he could do, she would never forgive him. Though he couldn’t go on living without ever telling her what he really felt.

A beam of headlights lit the driveway up one last time, and the rumbling of gravel shifted around below the car. The roads were empty with the thoughts of what he should do. Stan’s gut was telling him to leave, but he didn’t know where to go. Soon the morning sun rose it’s weary head and as he stopped at a red light the day suddenly became much clearer. The long stretch of road capsized his feelings of helplessness. As the car moved onward he spotted a New Hampshire license plate that read “Live Free or Die.” Kind of startling to think of the implications, but it awoke a definitive feeling inside. One that would change even the stars in the sky. No more living to get by, it was time to start living to be heard. The car exited off the interstate allowing the silence of morning to deafen his thoughts of the final destination. A red sign read across the steady eyes. The world must stop, and it most certainly did.

The jet engines roared furiously down the runway as Stan’s hand gripped the arm of the chair tightly. She used to calm him down during flights by putting her hand over his. Just the touch of her hand would ease all his troubles like a mother’s touch would her child. Security blanket, that’s what he wanted but all he would have is the memory of her to keep him company through the flight. Once the plane landed he thought he made the biggest mistake of his life.
“What if she doesn’t care about what I think? What if she doesn’t even like me anymore? Or what if she has a boyfriend?”

Life is made of little impulses that change the outcome of events and who were are. Without these impulsive moments we would never be able to understand how much someone cares for you or how much we are willing to give in order to get what we want. It was Stan’s time to make that move. He got into a cab and headed towards the place he had been dreaming of for so many lonely nights. It was raining heavily outside. Almost as if the sky had decided that it had taken enough and just opened up to the world below. How had he gone from having a slice of apple pie in a diner, to hearing a song that brought back a memory, and now standing at that beautiful girl’s doorstep? All of his confidence seemed to be shot at the present moment for he had a tough time bring himself to ring the doorbell. He was getting soaked from head to toe. Every inch of his body was wet, his hair was matted down, but he couldn’t feel a thing cause he was too numb. Sooner or later he would have to ring the bell. The bell resonated throughout the halls inside and the door slowly opened to present him to his new world. She stood there shocked pleasantly by his grace. He smiled sheepishly at her direction. As they stood in each other’s presence the rain began to simmer and he started to speak. Those unbelievable eyes just melted his heart away, and no words came out of his mouth. She leaned over to tell him to come inside by grabbing his hand, just then all the regret and worry he had left his body. He was happy once again. And those stars, which almost never change, were looking down at him again making everything feel all right.

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